i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
