I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
This is not my ceiling
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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