Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
