and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
