I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
