like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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