She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
