You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
