I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
