I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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