I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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