i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
