and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My hand turned me down
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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