I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
