I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
