im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
