Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
