Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
