Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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