In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
