someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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