like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
