I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
