just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
