party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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