I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
