What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
