Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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