Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
