Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
