i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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