We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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