The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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