Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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