I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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