Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
