My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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