Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
