So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
