I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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