I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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