i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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