I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
