Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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