i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
