I wish my penis had an off switch
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
