Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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