Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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