your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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