Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
