You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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